I have been in Hell cavorting with Satan.  Or put another way, my flipping computer crashed, in the middle of a book.  How can that be a problem for a person who backs-up to an external hard drive and has an online locker?  (Suspenders and a belt).  I have no one to blame but me.  Since I loathe email- yes, I know I’m the only one who doesn’t want or need to be tethered to emails - Anyway, in my haste to clear out my inbox, I received a notification that looked like all the other notifications, asking me to click to receive the latest Vista updates.  I clicked.  That was October 21st.  Well, it seems that it was a bogus email and I actually downloaded and installed a very, very nasty virus.  I had the freaking swine flu of computer viruses.  Problem was, I had no immediate warning that my computer was compromised.  Unbeknownst to me, the virus was eating away at Vista and it apparently had a Travelocity account because it went to visit my back-up hard drives and my flash drives and since I go from flash drive to thumb drive when I’m juggling between my laptop and my desktop, I managed to infect my laptop as well.  I began popping Xanax like tic-tacs.  But I didn’t think all was lost.  After all, I pay a decent sum a year to have an online locker so this could never happen.  (Yes, I’m applying a sticky note that reads ‘STUPID’ to my forehead). 

My computer skills are pretty much limited to msconfig, anything more than that and I have to call in the Crown Prince of computer repair, St. Louis.  Louis came to my house and began checking my system.  This was the first time I realized I had more than just a ‘where’s my files’ problem.  It’s never good when the IT guy sits down, groans and whistles as he shakes his head while staring at the useless blue screen.

After 5-6 hours of diagnostic stuff, he tells me I have to reinstall Vista.  Really?  Isn’t Vista one of the 7 levels of Hell?  So, after some discussion, he tells me it might be easier to get the Windows 7 Upgrade.  He did warn me that Microsoft had 3 editions of 7 and 2 subsets of those editions.  One subset simply washed your memory and got rid of all your files.  Another Xanax.  But what I needed was the Home Premium upgrade so we could retrieve as many MBs as possible.

I put on my shoes and socks and drove to Staples.  I grabbed the first employee I could find he took me over to the Windows 7 display.  I’d written Sr. Louis’s instruction in sharpie on my palm.  I read off the no-washing, 64-bit upgrade I specifically told him that I was n deadline - and yes, he mentioned something about wanting to be a writer.  The pencil-necked guy pointed to a blue box and said that was the version I needed.  I raced up, collected the program (the stuff on the shelves is all empty boxes to cut down on theft).  I was back home in less than 14 minutes.

We opened the box, slipped in the cd and a big red screen that said, “Program not compatible.”  Huh????  Louis tried again - no luck.  He contacted Microsoft and the representative told him I needed the green box.  I called Staples and explained that what I’d been sold was incorrect and since I’d only owned the program for 18 minutes, I wanted to exchange it for the correct version.

“Sorry, we don’t take returns on software that’s been opened.”  Huh again?  “If you want a refund, you’ll have to send the program back to Microsoft but I would have to purchase the correct upgrade for an additional $200.00.  Are you kidding me????  Nope.  He then put me on hold, came back on the line in about 5 minutes, and said he’d spoken to the pencil-necked employee and the guy swears he didn’t select the software, I did.  The only thing he did was to get the program from the back and take it to the register.  Lying weasel bastard!!!!

I wasn’t going down without a fight.  While my husband made a cheese and fruit plate for Louis and his wife, I charged up to Staples.  As soon as I reached the parking lot, I called the Microsoft tech back and asked him to stay on the line - according to Microsoft, the store can return the software so he didn’t understand the problem.  I went to customer service and was told that the manager had stepped out.  Liars!!!  I stood there and told them I was happy to wait.  Miraculously, the manager teleported back to the store because he showed up 2-3 minutes later.  All the while, I’m having a lovely chat with the Microsoft guy. 

Manager called pencil-neck up to the register and I put Microsoft on speaker.  Pencil neck insisted that I’d never spoken to him other than to tell him to get me the wrong upgrade version.  He said he’d talked t other employees and they corroborated pencil neck’s story that I dashed in and out without speaking to a soul.  I asked the manager what the logic could possibly be for me to buy the wrong program.  Manager said it was probably because I made a bad choice since I was in a hurry because I was 2/3rds finished with a manuscript and I needed my computer files to complete my book.

Then before I could say a word, the Microsoft guy says, “If she didn’t talk to anyone, how do you know she’s in the middle of a book and has to upgrade with as much of her content as possible.  I gotta tell you, if he’d been there in person, I’d have kissed him.  With tongue. 

I turned to pencil neck and said, “Does your mother know you lie with that mouth?”  He turned and hurried toward the back of the store.  Well, maybe he hurried after I called him a sniveling girl.  Manager then acted like he was giving me his kidney as he reluctantly exchanged the software.  When we were done, he about choked as he asked me if there was anything else I needed.  Other than having him sit and spin on an Easy Button, no.

Back home I go.  Louis and is wife have snacked and he’s ready to get going.  It took the usual amount of time but in an hour or so, he had the computer running.  I sat there, my breath stuck in my throat as he began hyper-clicking his way through my hard drives.  Then the screen went black.  It was well into the evening when Louis called Microsoft tech support.  He stayed on the line for over an hour, listening to Musak but it was getting late.  He decided to call it a night and come back the next day. 

I will spare you the gory details but the problems are about 80% fixed.  I’ve spent a total of about 25 hours on hold to reach Microsoft so they can explain how to get the computer to reboot.  If I turn it off, it dies.  I finally get through only to be told that the tech didn’t have a solution to my problem in his reference manual.  They designed it but they can’t troubleshoot it????

So, it’s now more than a week later and Louis was able to retrieve my manuscript - kinda.  What I got was 275 pages.  Some had words, some had symbols and others looked like hieroglyphics.  I was basically back to square one and even though I’ve been at it for almost a week, I’m still trying to fix the old pages.  I bet you’re wondering why I didn’t just go to my online locker and retrieve a clean copy of the manuscript.  Apparently my virus worked some black magic.  My user ID and password didn’t work and my secret reminder question didn’t work either.  I called Webroot and explained what had happened.  I also sent them a copy of the bills from Louis to show my computer had a serious health problem.  I even told them the credit card number I used for billing.  They didn’t care.  Then the customer service woman (and I’m using that term in the most generous way) told me that frustration was hostile and she wasn’t required to assist frustrated or hostile people.  Deep breath, more Xanax.  I called back.  Same result.  I did the same thing for 4 days before I hoisted the white flag, called my credit card company, and requested they back charge Webroot since I wasn’t receiving the service.

So, here I sit on 11/11 and I still can’t turn my computer off nor is my email fully functional.  I went out and bought a 1.5 TB external drive and Louis copied all my stuff onto that before he did a complete wipe on the computer.  Then I wasted a day and a ½ reloading my necessary programs and after I finish the book, I’m hoping to learn a little bit about my new operating system.  Can’t do that until I get through to Microsoft so they can help me fix whatever it is that prevents me from shutting down the computer. 

After the 7th of December, I might be able to share my thoughts about Windows 7.  I’m hoping it will be as much improved as Word 2007.

Enjoy your day . . .

Rhonda