Ha. You want conference tips from moi? I don't think so!

I am the author most likely to smile at my publisher with a spinach leaf between my front teeth. I'm the author most likely to snort wine out of my nose or catch my heel in the Grand Ballroom carpet, flail wildly and expose my Spanx to the romance fiction world.

It's entirely possible that I will sneeze at a lunch with my editor and the padding on the left side of my WonderBra will shoot out and land in her soup.

A lot of people tell me that I don't look like the type to embarrass myself at a conference, so let me remind you once again not to judge a book by its cover or its author by her suit.

Here's the best advice I can give you regarding conferences: don't make all the mistakes that I've made over the years.

Don't run up to your favorite Big Dog Author and babble at her uncontrollably until she starts to gently mock you. "So, we're like sisters, is that what you're saying? Yeah, I can see that . . . " said one NYT Bestseller to me, rolling her eyes at her companion.

Now, the companion in this case was yet another NYT Bestseller, whose work I actually hadn't read. So foolishly I blurted out that fact, as if to say that I'd love to be embarrassingly worshipful of her, too, but gee, she wasn't important enough in my idiot world.

HEAD-SLAP!!!

Oh, but here's an even better one. Please do NOT turn to an internationally reknowned author with a fixed social smile and ask her how long she's been writing romantic suspense . . . when she doesn't! Fortunately this author thought my faux pas was quite funny and I eventually stopped squirming long enough to pass her the butter.

And here's another of my favorites: don't confuse one author with another. I once had a thirty-minute conversation with a woman whom I was convinced was somebody else entirely.

So. Try to maintain your own dignity at conferences even if I can't.

I do actually have a couple of useful tips, though. DON'T CRASH PUBLISHER PARTIES TO WHICH YOU HAVEN'T BEEN INVITED.

DON'T BRING YOUR PROPOSAL OR MANUSCRIPT TO A CONFERENCE. Don't chase anyone with it, don't slip it under a bathroom stall to an editor and for God's sake, do NOT have it delivered to an agent's hotel room.

DO be professional, polite and try to learn everything you can from workshops and people you meet.

DO send thank-you notes to people who go out of their way to help you.

DON'T get desperate and think that this conference is your only or last shot to impress someone in the publishing world. There are always other conferences and new people to meet.

That's about all I have to offer, but God forbid that I should end on a serious note.

Finally, though this business of trying to get--and stay--published makes all of us a bit crazy, don't have a meltdown and streak through the conference. Yep, you'll get edited that way: someone will throw a jacket over your nudity. You'll get an agent, too--a law enforcement agent, who will come and forcibly remove you from the facilities!

Happy Thursday, Karen